I often find myself in a dispute or simply, butting heads with the person I love. And other times, I am “out-of-my-mind” angry with him. I mean pissed. When I’m like this I want to talk. I want to get it all out. Every emotion wants flows out of mouth. Once I start it will continue to do so until I feel that my peace has been spoken. My love on the other hand, likes to retreat within when upset. A cocoon is built and he begins to process all of the emotions he's feeling. He needs a lot of time by himself which drives me crazy!!! We are totally opposites. We are a man and a woman. Most of the time, in order to prevent the situation from going from blood-boiling to explosive, I simply swallow my feelings. I find the lowest, darkest place within the corners of my soul and hide them there. At that point in time, have no use for them. But sometimes I am the fire starter. I have to say something before I start pulling my hair out and explode. I become angry since it seems like we more often than not, fight on his terms; when he’s ready to. If and when, I point this out to him I am made to feel selfish. I actually think that his opinion is ludicrous but is there any truth to his words? Am I being selfish? Is there even a fair way to fight so that all parties feel that their position is heard? Can peace be made between the two and progress made within the relationship simultaneously? Better yet, constantly?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Unfortunately, the element of time has not been on my side this week. The days have just blurred into each other leaving me to want more. There has been so much to be done that I really didn’t have time to sit down and write the way that I wanted to but I had to at least put this thought out there…
Understanding that all of us have been hurt at least once in our lives by someone who we cared for, admired or respected, I can identify with those who have been scorned. But what I don’t comprehend is when the hurt occurred months, years or even decades ago and the person is talking and behaving as if it happened yesterday.
The only reason why I bring this topic up is because I know a few ladies who are holding on to a great amount of bitterness. I mean soul consuming hatred for someone who was once in their lives. And even though the relationship ended terribly YEARS ago, they are unable to move on with their lives. They are simply stuck in that moment of heartache. Meanwhile, those who have done them wrong have continued on with their lives whether this means that they have married another woman, moved to another city; work in a different profession, stopped drinking, smoking or gambling, et cetera. They have moved on and lived. They have changed and sometimes for the better. But the ladies who they have left behind, filled with anger and rage, continue to erect their own demise.
The same tales-of-woe on that broken record of theirs create a wall of division between themselves and the rest of the world. Granted the situation is sad but when is it time to call it quits? When should their sad song come to an end? When their thoughts, their whole world, their entire being is consumed with hatred and disdain for the person who hurt them. I know that we all feel and handle our emotions differently but seriously, when is it time to let go? When is it time to let go of the bitterness with their hearts? How and when should the healing process begin?
Posted by Adelaide Devereaux at 9:10 AM
Friday, April 15, 2011
Every now and then find myself in a very awkward situation. It’s one of the most embarrassing and uncomfortable positions that I have ever been placed in. In a room where there was once free-flowing discussions and laughter, there is now only an eerie silence that is deafening. Not a sound is made. Not even a breath is taken as if the room has been vacuumed-sealed and the oxygen supply cut off. Awkward glances are given around the room as everyone tries to visual measure the reaction of those around them. Throats are cleared while sips of water, soda and wine are taken as if to assist in the digestion of what just occurred. In that moment, I longed to be in another location far, far away from what I just witnessed. It was a time when I wished I didn’t know her. It was one of the many times that my friend said something extremely, unnecessarily inappropriate.
She is near and dear to my heart. She is a friend who I have shared much with over the years; secrets, fears, goals, gossip and even chocolate. By and large, she is a dependable person who I enjoy hanging out with. However, the audacity of her speech at that moment (and a few others) was simply absurd and unsettling. And what made this whole situation even more disturbing was that she did not choose those words out of ignorance or naïveté. Because if that was the case, I would be understanding and embarrassed for her; but she did it for two other reasons. Firstly, she is one of those individuals who crave attention. Given that she had an insatiable ego that needed to be fed, she would do anything in order to get anybody to notice her. It didn’t matter if it was positive or negative attention, just as long as it is there. Secondly, sadly enough, she has demonstrated outrageous behavior or speech in the past and no one had called her on it. No one had stopped her from continuing on with her outbursts and inform her that kind of language, that type of behavior was unacceptable.
I have to admit, there were times in which I did not want to get involved in the whole verbal mayhem that she created. It would have been easier to pretend as if I didn’t know her or simply ignore the whole situation. Yet, as her friend, I had to say something. It was the right thing to do. If I had chosen to not speak to her and overlook what just happened, not only would I be doing her an injustice but also myself and every other person who is within earshot of her verbal assault. I owe it to everyone to explain to her privately, in a firm yet loving manner how her words affect those around her and how it changes people’s perception of her.
By chatting with some other women, I have realized that most have a friend who resembles my own. They are good people. They are loyal and true but either their actions or words cause us to cringe or to feel enormously uncomfortable. So then I asked these other ladies if they responded the way that I did? If they had talked to their friends about their behavior? If so, what did they say and how did their friends react? If they didn’t, why not? Did they feel as if they didn’t have the right to tell their grown friends how to conduct themselves? Or was it simply because they didn’t know what to say?
While I understand that not everyone is as opinionated or assertive as I am, I do believe that we all have an obligation to help guide our friends when they are have said or done too much. When they have said or done something that reflects poorly on them or causes any negative attention to be given. In my opinion, this is what friends do. They look out for each other; because if they don’t, then who would do it? Unfortunately, this is a lost practice; a tradition of the days gone by. For the most part, great numbers of women feel like they do not need to give another woman guidance in terms of her behavior. In their eyes, she’s an adult and she can act or speak in whatever manner she chooses to. It appears that only a few friends are willing to move outside of their own comfort zone and possibly put their friendship on the line all in an effort to save a friend from herself. Which begs me to ask, what happened to us? Have we been forced to play the corporate game in a man’s world for so long that we have neglected the feminine bond that made us nurture and watch out for all of those we love? Or have we been betrayed so many times in the past that we can only think about safeguarding ourselves and our interests? Whatever the reason might be, the result is distressing to say the least. And while I might never fully understand what has happened to the relationships, the bonds of many women within our society, the one thing I do know is that in order for us as gender to make any great strides in this life, to build up our communities, to rebuild our families or to inspire future generations, we must look out for one another. We must become our sister’s keeper.
Posted by Adelaide Devereaux at 11:10 AM
Friday, April 8, 2011
I cannot believe I started a Blog! This is so different for me. While I am definitely not the shy type, I am quite reserved. However, I felt that it was time. A time for change in my life. Life can sometimes become very predictable and stale and I needed something to do in order to wake up a bit. Now, I could have engaged in other tasks but I figured this was the way to go given that I cannot be the only person who is experiencing predictability in their life. Through this medium I am hoping to share as well as receive encouragement, wisdom and a few laughs.
So from now, I do want to say "Thank You" for accompanying me on this journey that we are going to take together over the next few months, possibly the next few years.
Posted by Adelaide Devereaux at 4:26 PM